I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Found the puke drawer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
