What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
