I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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