I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
