Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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