there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
