The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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