Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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