Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
