If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
