i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
