Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
