Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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