Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
