he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
