he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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