Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
