: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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