If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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