Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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