I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He passed out mid-signature
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
