Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I didn't notice because vodka
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
