There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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