I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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