I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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