Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
