I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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