Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
