So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
