he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
