My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
