She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I stole a fireplace last night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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