Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
