We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
