Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
