if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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