If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
