so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
