When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
