So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
