im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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