So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
