recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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