How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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