There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
