I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
