He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
