God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
