Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
