Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize