I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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