brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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