He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
