Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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