Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
