hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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