No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
