Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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