I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
