I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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