Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
