I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
