is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
